What's wrong with him????

I seriously don't know what's wrong with him lately. Last night John asked me if my brother was around because he needed a ride today to go get a part or something in Tucson. For some reason he couldn't take his car. Anyway, I told him I don't think my brother would be available because he was helping his best friend move. I told John I could take him into Tucson if he wanted as long as he called me early enough. I mean I don't work until 3 pm you know?? He always used to complain that we didn't spend time together and how much he missed me. I thought that he'd jump at the chance. He told me okay I'll call you..Well..So far no call. I guess he found another way into Tucson...without me of course. I swear to God he doesn't want to be seen in public with me or something. I thought maybe it'd give us the chance to have the morning together and it'd help him out too but obviously he didn't agree. I'll probably find out today if he got a ride into Tucson or maybe he didn't need to go after all? That's what I am hoping is that maybe he didn't need to go anymore for some reason.It's been ages since we went to a movie together-the last one we saw was Ice Age 3(in 3D)when it first came out..we went to the Harkins at like 1030 am and saw it. We used to always go to a Friday or Saturday night movie or even Saturday morning would work but now we don't go anywhere at all. We used to occasionally go to breakfast or catch dinner somewhere but we haven't done that in ages either. He can't be *that* broke! I asked my brother if John seemed a bit weird lately and he said no he seemed pretty normal to him. I figured that I was the one he was being strange with and that just confirmed it. He's been such a prick 3 or 4 times a week..I don't get it. I was talking with him about food one day and somehow one of my favorite meals(meatloaf,veggies and potatoes)came up.I'd been mentioning it and how I liked my mom's version of it and John nastily "What are you,like fuc*ing Irish?". I was stunned into silence. He got pretty nasty one day when I was looking outside at the moon and watching a cloud strangely move and pointed it out to him. He nastily said "Hello,Yes, it's a cloud and they F**ing move..". Again I was stunned..The next day he said something else really awful too that I just can't remember right now.All of this has been like "WoW..Where'd that come from??" He's got so much damn..venom/evilness for me lately.I can't remember what I said one other day not so long ago..It was a slight blonde moment and he said "Oh my God you are so freaking stupid.." I almost died. I really don't know what's wrong with him.He's never been like this before.He actually used to appreciate my slight smarts-and personal opinion. Last night he was pretty pleasant but all we were doing was watching a series called Bones-not much conversation. He asked what I thought of it and I told him it was okay..He also asked if I'd had a rough day at work. I told him I guess so..I really wanted to say No I've had a rough freaking 3 weeks idiot..But decided against it because his mom happened to be there. He kept telling me he loved me last night when he called and when I was at the house with him and said "I love you Heather..I wish you'd set a date.." Whatever...set a date and live with someone who thinks I'm dumb as a rock? I gotta roll...I honestly can't write blogs like this without falling apart. I'm going to see if I can hold it together long enough to get ready for work and survive work tonight.. :(

Is it over? I don't know..It's killing me..

I don't even know how to start this.. :( This is the blog I said I'd write yesterday..It's going to be a hard one. Hopefully this blog post doesn't show off what a sap I am. I don't fall in love easily but when I do I love for a very long time and I love unconditionally..I tolerate alot of bullsh** out of whomever I love. All I ask in return is to be treated well. That being said here's the rest.. I don't think anything I've done lately has made John happy..He's hated my last two haircuts,and even hated the fact I had so much blonde in my hair after my last hair highlighting. He said I'd been made too blond and whenever I'd do something a bit retarded he'd tell me that the dye went into my brain.Grr.He even hates the two pairs of plaid shorts I wear. I don't know what gotten into him lately. A friend said I should concentrate on making myself happy and that it'd make him happy to see me happy.Not really..if he doesn't like whatever makes me happy he isn't happy. :( I usually go out to karoke on Thursday night with several co workers and run into a few friends there. It makes me happy to go out for a bit,have a few beers and laugh at the crappy singers and drunks. Unfornatly John hates that I go there. He said I need a better place to hang out. Honestly the Arena is pretty tame..It's not the Riverside which is really crappy. John isn't into bars and having a few beers though..

He's been talking about moving to Utah again,which is crushing.He's put in transfer requests for Tucson and for 6 Walmart stores in and around Salt Lake City. His cousin lives in SLC so he'd just live with her for a bit so he'd have a place to live at once he got there.He says there's alot of decent paying jobs for EMTS there but he'd have to take some classes and get the utah state cert first.I know he probably will want me to move up there if a walmart accepts his transfer there but honestly I can't move up there. :( There's too many damn issues.. Our big issues are generally these-money,kids,God/religion and of course our mothers and my family.

He isn't so fond my family to be honest. He likes my brother though. Anyway-he had the guts to tell me to tell my mom to get a job because he wasn't going to support her. I told him he didn't have to because I would. I'll always have to. I live with her yet because its just cheaper that way but even if I did move or get married I'd always have to give some money to make sure bills got paid because she only gets like 320 a month. My dad left her with essentially nothing. :( I doubt she can work-she's got osteoporosis and arthritis and it hurts her alot plus I'm not sure if she's emotionally/mentally strong enough to handle the stress of work. She just doesn't handle stress well at all.I don't want my mother having a mental breakdown.John was such a dick about it though..Grr..He said he didn't want me to have to fully support her though. I understand where he's coming from and my brother pays the other half of the bills..I'd hate to burden him with everything.

As for kids-well..he wants kids like asap but I'm not so sure about that. He can barely support himself much less me and a kid or more than one. Jeez..Kids are okay but are alot of work,agony,expensive,and cause alot of stress.Plus the whole religion church issue too..I'm pretty sure he'd want them blessed at the Mormon/LDS church which I am definatly against and I'm guessing he'd want to take them to church with him..without me. :( I won't convert to that church..Ugh.I'd hate to see kids wondering why their mom doesn't go,and later why she doesn't go to all their church stuff and missions and all that. That's a huge issue for us..

Money isn't as big of a deal other than I want my own account..Not one fully shared with him or with him having full access to my account.Every woman should have their own money! Besides I'd hate to use his cash to pay my credit card bills or something or other personal bills or stuff to do with my dog etc.It'd just cause a fight..He wants a fully shared account. This issue is at least workable. The others aren't as bendable.. :(

We haven't really talked about our issues in ages.Anytime we try it just turns into an arguement. The last time we tried talking about the money issue,it turned into an arguement.Actually anytime we've talked about issues it always turns into a pretty heated arguement that leaves me crying and in tears for days.:(

Ughh..I don't know what else to say or even type..It's a longggg blog already. I still love him but I can feel a split coming on for some reason. The only problem is I don't know how I will live without him. 5 years of memories are all with him-major movies,my dog even,holidays,a vacation,even just the small details of life..all with him. I don't really know what I'd do without him..I can't go on like this though,stricken with panic attacks and stress my guts always killing me and wondering what the next thing will be that he'll hate.

All right I better go..It's killing me to write this and if I don't stop I'm going to fall apart and cry right here in front of the computer.

Such a bad week..

It was such a bad week(last week..)...The whole week was totally awful!! Sunday night a customer came in and really upset me..He knows me fairly well and the things he was saying were terrible-telling me how I would never have a life because my mom was a burden and things like that. I actually went home and cried. :( It started me thinking about things like that and about my boyfriend, John and the problems we've had also..The downward spiral started Sunday night. Monday morning I was so stricken by panic attacks!! I rarely get them and when I do they are stress induced usually. I could barely function at work because I kept having them there too! Everyone noticed that there was something really wrong with me... :(

Tuesday John called and asked if I wanted to come hang out at the house cause his mom(who banned me..)wasn't going to be home until 8 or 830 pm. I showed up about 630 pmish. His mom showed up at 815 pm and I figured I'd survive an hour or so with her there. I was hoping that she would be over whatever was the problem in April when she decided that I couldn't come over. I was there until 930 pm and she didn't even acknowledge the fact that I was even there. She'd talk to John who was sitting right near me but would verbally talk around me. :( She didn't even say hi, or how have you been for months or anything!!! I was so upset that I decided to leave around 930. I picked up my purse and made sure to slam the door really really hard as I went out. I felt so much anger. I didn't even tell my boyfriend or his stupid,rude mother goodbye. She didn't deserve the goodbye. John text me twice and called me twice but I didn't answer my phone. I was so upset that I cried and cried for hours. :/

Wednesday turned out to be even worse. John called me at 7 am and asked why I just left and slammed the door so hard. I was shocked he hadn't figured out why by now! I told him and he actually had the nerve to tell me that I had to play nice with his mother and learn to get along with her. He claimed she didn't mean to be so unfriendly,and gave some retarded reason why she banned me and made so many excuses in her defense. I told him that I wasn't going to play nice with his mother and that she better be the one playing nice with me because she's the one who started the whole problem anyway. He tried telling me something else but I told him I wasn't going to apologize for slamming the door. I slammed it for a reason-so she'd know I was angry. A couple days later John came and told me that his mom was probably using me against him trying to make him move out of the house by banning me(if he had his own place I could come over all the time..). Instead of that making me feel any better it made me even angrier..Not only does she really dislike me for some odd,unknown reason(even though she's adored me for 5 years until april..)now I'm also a pawn to her-something to manipulate. :( Evil,evil woman. John said I had to behave and try to get along because she could be my mother in law someday-I freaked out. I don't think I want to be related to someone so evil!! Or even claim her as a mother in law..*shudder* If she's trying to break us up somehow it just may work-but that's a whole different blog. :/ Even if she's not trying to break us up, it may happen anyway because of her and some major differences between I and John..

Thursday was pretty miserable too..Actually everyone at work was miserable so I wasn't alone in my misery..I tried going out to karoke at a local bar hoping the drunks and bad singers would at least make me laugh but it didn't really help. I was so unhappy everyone there noticed. I know half of the ppl at the bar and most came over and asked if I was okay. :/ At least they were concerned I guess but still didn't help my mood. :( I saw a really good friend there but I couldn't even speak to him because I was worried I'd just fall apart in front of him. :( John hasn't been much for comfort even though he knows this is torturing me. I decided not to tell him about the panic attacks and such though..

I hope this week is better.. :( I don't think I can handle another week of panic attacks and trauma..I felt like I could seriously have slept the whole freaking week thru. I was so exhausted from all the drama,thinking,panic attacks,crying sessions etc..