Such a bad week..

It was such a bad week(last week..)...The whole week was totally awful!! Sunday night a customer came in and really upset me..He knows me fairly well and the things he was saying were terrible-telling me how I would never have a life because my mom was a burden and things like that. I actually went home and cried. :( It started me thinking about things like that and about my boyfriend, John and the problems we've had also..The downward spiral started Sunday night. Monday morning I was so stricken by panic attacks!! I rarely get them and when I do they are stress induced usually. I could barely function at work because I kept having them there too! Everyone noticed that there was something really wrong with me... :(

Tuesday John called and asked if I wanted to come hang out at the house cause his mom(who banned me..)wasn't going to be home until 8 or 830 pm. I showed up about 630 pmish. His mom showed up at 815 pm and I figured I'd survive an hour or so with her there. I was hoping that she would be over whatever was the problem in April when she decided that I couldn't come over. I was there until 930 pm and she didn't even acknowledge the fact that I was even there. She'd talk to John who was sitting right near me but would verbally talk around me. :( She didn't even say hi, or how have you been for months or anything!!! I was so upset that I decided to leave around 930. I picked up my purse and made sure to slam the door really really hard as I went out. I felt so much anger. I didn't even tell my boyfriend or his stupid,rude mother goodbye. She didn't deserve the goodbye. John text me twice and called me twice but I didn't answer my phone. I was so upset that I cried and cried for hours. :/

Wednesday turned out to be even worse. John called me at 7 am and asked why I just left and slammed the door so hard. I was shocked he hadn't figured out why by now! I told him and he actually had the nerve to tell me that I had to play nice with his mother and learn to get along with her. He claimed she didn't mean to be so unfriendly,and gave some retarded reason why she banned me and made so many excuses in her defense. I told him that I wasn't going to play nice with his mother and that she better be the one playing nice with me because she's the one who started the whole problem anyway. He tried telling me something else but I told him I wasn't going to apologize for slamming the door. I slammed it for a reason-so she'd know I was angry. A couple days later John came and told me that his mom was probably using me against him trying to make him move out of the house by banning me(if he had his own place I could come over all the time..). Instead of that making me feel any better it made me even angrier..Not only does she really dislike me for some odd,unknown reason(even though she's adored me for 5 years until april..)now I'm also a pawn to her-something to manipulate. :( Evil,evil woman. John said I had to behave and try to get along because she could be my mother in law someday-I freaked out. I don't think I want to be related to someone so evil!! Or even claim her as a mother in law..*shudder* If she's trying to break us up somehow it just may work-but that's a whole different blog. :/ Even if she's not trying to break us up, it may happen anyway because of her and some major differences between I and John..

Thursday was pretty miserable too..Actually everyone at work was miserable so I wasn't alone in my misery..I tried going out to karoke at a local bar hoping the drunks and bad singers would at least make me laugh but it didn't really help. I was so unhappy everyone there noticed. I know half of the ppl at the bar and most came over and asked if I was okay. :/ At least they were concerned I guess but still didn't help my mood. :( I saw a really good friend there but I couldn't even speak to him because I was worried I'd just fall apart in front of him. :( John hasn't been much for comfort even though he knows this is torturing me. I decided not to tell him about the panic attacks and such though..

I hope this week is better.. :( I don't think I can handle another week of panic attacks and trauma..I felt like I could seriously have slept the whole freaking week thru. I was so exhausted from all the drama,thinking,panic attacks,crying sessions etc..