Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Is it over? I don't know..It's killing me..

I don't even know how to start this.. :( This is the blog I said I'd write yesterday..It's going to be a hard one. Hopefully this blog post doesn't show off what a sap I am. I don't fall in love easily but when I do I love for a very long time and I love unconditionally..I tolerate alot of bullsh** out of whomever I love. All I ask in return is to be treated well. That being said here's the rest.. I don't think anything I've done lately has made John happy..He's hated my last two haircuts,and even hated the fact I had so much blonde in my hair after my last hair highlighting. He said I'd been made too blond and whenever I'd do something a bit retarded he'd tell me that the dye went into my brain.Grr.He even hates the two pairs of plaid shorts I wear. I don't know what gotten into him lately. A friend said I should concentrate on making myself happy and that it'd make him happy to see me happy.Not really..if he doesn't like whatever makes me happy he isn't happy. :( I usually go out to karoke on Thursday night with several co workers and run into a few friends there. It makes me happy to go out for a bit,have a few beers and laugh at the crappy singers and drunks. Unfornatly John hates that I go there. He said I need a better place to hang out. Honestly the Arena is pretty tame..It's not the Riverside which is really crappy. John isn't into bars and having a few beers though..
He's been talking about moving to Utah again,which is crushing.He's put in transfer requests for Tucson and for 6 Walmart stores in and around Salt Lake City. His cousin lives in SLC so he'd just live with her for a bit so he'd have a place to live at once he got there.He says there's alot of decent paying jobs for EMTS there but he'd have to take some classes and get the utah state cert first.I know he probably will want me to move up there if a walmart accepts his transfer there but honestly I can't move up there. :( There's too many damn issues.. Our big issues are generally these-money,kids,God/religion and of course our mothers and my family.
He isn't so fond my family to be honest. He likes my brother though. Anyway-he had the guts to tell me to tell my mom to get a job because he wasn't going to support her. I told him he didn't have to because I would. I'll always have to. I live with her yet because its just cheaper that way but even if I did move or get married I'd always have to give some money to make sure bills got paid because she only gets like 320 a month. My dad left her with essentially nothing. :( I doubt she can work-she's got osteoporosis and arthritis and it hurts her alot plus I'm not sure if she's emotionally/mentally strong enough to handle the stress of work. She just doesn't handle stress well at all.I don't want my mother having a mental breakdown.John was such a dick about it though..Grr..He said he didn't want me to have to fully support her though. I understand where he's coming from and my brother pays the other half of the bills..I'd hate to burden him with everything.
As for kids-well..he wants kids like asap but I'm not so sure about that. He can barely support himself much less me and a kid or more than one. Jeez..Kids are okay but are alot of work,agony,expensive,and cause alot of stress.Plus the whole religion church issue too..I'm pretty sure he'd want them blessed at the Mormon/LDS church which I am definatly against and I'm guessing he'd want to take them to church with him..without me. :( I won't convert to that church..Ugh.I'd hate to see kids wondering why their mom doesn't go,and later why she doesn't go to all their church stuff and missions and all that. That's a huge issue for us..
Money isn't as big of a deal other than I want my own account..Not one fully shared with him or with him having full access to my account.Every woman should have their own money! Besides I'd hate to use his cash to pay my credit card bills or something or other personal bills or stuff to do with my dog etc.It'd just cause a fight..He wants a fully shared account. This issue is at least workable. The others aren't as bendable.. :(
We haven't really talked about our issues in ages.Anytime we try it just turns into an arguement. The last time we tried talking about the money issue,it turned into an arguement.Actually anytime we've talked about issues it always turns into a pretty heated arguement that leaves me crying and in tears for days.:(
Ughh..I don't know what else to say or even type..It's a longggg blog already. I still love him but I can feel a split coming on for some reason. The only problem is I don't know how I will live without him. 5 years of memories are all with him-major movies,my dog even,holidays,a vacation,even just the small details of life..all with him. I don't really know what I'd do without him..I can't go on like this though,stricken with panic attacks and stress my guts always killing me and wondering what the next thing will be that he'll hate.
All right I better go..It's killing me to write this and if I don't stop I'm going to fall apart and cry right here in front of the computer.

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